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Your child doesn’t have to be a victim

By John Cowan

Bullying and a ‘put-down’ culture often gets a lot of press from the media, anxious parents and schools. However there is a normal cut and thrust of living in the real world that our children have to deal with. Actually everyday interactions that happen between children and their peers offer them ways to learn to cope and push back in non-aggressive and healthy ways.

“Stay away! You’ll catch Stink-bomb’s germs!”. I still wince after more than thirty years. In fact, when I think how some kids back at my school suffered from teasing and bullying, I wince far more now than I ever did then. Those poor kids, especially those victimized just for being on the cusp of normal, with lower intelligence, odd mannerisms, and peculiar clothes: life must have been miserable for them. There were kids who went through years friendless and isolated, labelled Spaz, Dizzy Lizzy and worse, for whom school must have been hell. I am profoundly sorry at how they were treated.

But there is good news. Your child doesn’t have to be a victim. If they have already been profoundly teased and bullied, then recovery and carving ‘new grooves’ of behaviour will be hard but is certainly not impossible. Serious, chronic bullying will need the cooperation of the school and the specialist advice of a counsellor to overcome; but for most kids there are some simple skills that can help them deflect and bounce the typical teasing and conflict they will almost certainly encounter at some stage.

I would hope that children are kinder now than when I was at school. (That would be an interesting conversation to have with your friends) At least schools recognise the problem and most deal with it proactively.

Playground teasing is to be expected: it’s normal social interaction even amongst adults, let alone children. Most teasing happens between friends, and they would worry if their mates stopped bantering and kidding them. When done with humour and playfulness, and if the ‘victim’ is the possessor of reasonable self-esteem, then it’s usually harmless fun. It might even be useful: checking pompous egos and getting across genuine, useful criticisms in a lightweight and humorous way .

But teasing can turn into something harsher. Whether the tormenters intend it or not, sometimes teasing crosses the line from a tickle to a scratch. Maybe the taunts are crueller, or maybe your child is more vulnerable to it, but the effect certainly isn’t fun. This harsher teasing in the playground is like worms and head-lice: they’re going to get it sometime, it’s unpleasant but most kids most get over it, and most hate to admit it to anyone. And, just like worms and head-lice, parents feel a mixture of shame and anger that their kids are suffering from it.

But the scale doesn’t stop there: the scratch can become a gouge. The teasing can become chronic and dreadfully cruel. It demeans and it harms. The teasing may escalate into shunning and physical abuse. Sometimes it pushes kids into isolation and genuine depression. And some of you, reading this in your adult years, will know that that pain persists for a long, long time.

So what can we, as parents, do to help our children deal with teasing and bullying?

1. Open the door to the topic
   
   You may notice signs that something is wrong (sadness, isolation and talking about "not being liked") but there is a bigger chance you won’t know about the problem unless they tell you. And many kids will be too embarrassed to tell you. So open the door: firstly, by providing regular opportunities to talk about anything. Sometimes just being listened to, is enough. Once you have listened to your child, for them it can feel as if the problem isn’t all theirs anymore and that they can cope. Mealtime conversations are great, but even better are a bedtime ‘de-brief’ sessions when kids can unpack their day and, with some adult coaching, interpret what happened. Secondly, raise the topic. Tell them that if they are ever treated badly at school they can tell you. It’s not tattling or tale-telling, it’s them proving they are strong enough to do something about the situation. They have a right to a safe school-life. Occasionally, ask them point-blank: “Are you being teased, bullied, picked on?’ Thirdly, rescue from an even bigger fear than the fear of being bullied: assure them that you are not going to embarrass them by making a scene. Tell them you’ll help by supporting and training them to handle the issue themselves, but if you do need to step in then you’ll do it carefully and discretely, in a way that won’t expose them to even more ridicule.
   
   
2. Be active if necessary
   
   If you suspect that chronic, harmful teasing and bullying are happening, that is beyond the scope of your child to handle, even with the skills we discuss below, then act. Be bold and decisive, because bullying isn’t right. It’s never been right, even though in some school cultures in the past it has certainly been ‘normal.’ Talk first to the child’s teacher, but do it in a way that will get her on side. She will be far more motivated to help if you recruit her as an ally than if you treat her as part of the problem. Make an appointment rather than just corner her in the classroom. If you aren’t reassured by the response, don’t be embarrassed to then talk to the dean or principal. I’ve never met a principal (and I’ve met many) who would not take the issue seriously and empathetically. They will probably conclude the meeting with “We’ll get to the bottom of this”, but mention, if the problem persists, you want to have a second, “let’s make a specific plan” meeting. If – and I doubt it would happen – a principal fails to take you seriously, change schools. A principal sets the tone for a whole school, and if he or she is dismissive of a grave problem like this, then that is not a safe school for your child.
   
   
3. Don’t corner or contact the bully
   
   Not initially. Not without the school or some other mediator. Confrontation will likely only to evoke defensiveness. Ultimate solutions to serious bullying will involve the bully - but rounding up on him and threatening him will be counter-productive. Some of the best results to counter bullying originated in England where the bully was co-opted into a group of others to support the bullied child. Empathy-training rather than punishment was the key.
   
   
4. Create alternative environments for your child
   
   Australian researcher Ian Lillicoe emphasizes that if a child is being bullied they need another group, another situation like a sport or a club, where the bully isn’t present, and neither are those who have witnessed the bullying. Encourage other children to visit and stay over. Develop social relationships with other families with children. Lillicoe says that for boys especially, camping holidays with other families are fantastic in building healthy resilience back into children.
   
   The only new dimension texting adds to the repertoire of bullying techniques is that your child is always accessible to the bully. Even if the phone is switched off the messages will be there when she switches it back on. Abusive, cruel texts are now taken very seriously by both phone companies and schools: contacting either should put a flea in the ear of the perpetrator very quickly.
   
   
5. Help your child understand what lies behind bullying
   
   Usually it says more about the bully than the bullied: bullies are often insecure themselves and score points from the crowd by picking on some one. Teasing usually contains untruth: either exaggerations or downright lies. By not agreeing in your own mind with what they say, you are denying the bully power over you. Sometimes bullying will focus on a dimension of difference: weight, appearance etc. Some of those things you can do nothing about, some things (like race or high intelligence) you would not want to change even if you could. As a parent, gently coach your child about aspects of grooming or hygiene that will help your child not stand out negatively.
   
   
6. The home is a laboratory for dealing with life
   
   Having siblings means that children inevitably get experience with dealing with teasing! Don’t allow one child to continuously pick on another one. However the odd bit of sporadic squabbling can help hone skills. If you intervene, correct the teaser, but it use the opportunity to teach the child being teased some of the skills below.
   
   
7. Teach your child Scott Cooper’s ‘verbal judo’
   
   You can give your child the words and some simple, effective techniques to take the power and sting out of verbal attacks. In his book, Sticks and Stones: 7 Ways Your Child Can Deal With Teasing, Conflict and Other Hard Times, Scott Cooper goes into considerable detail (with practice exercises) about how to deal with tough social situations. He believes the best way an adult can teach children to defend themselves against painful taunts is through practice and role playing. Children can even practise the facial expressions that show they are not being affected by the taunts. Here are some of his techniques:
   
   

Five tools for kids to handle teasing and conflict

The Power I

The ‘Power I’ is the strategy of using a strong, assertive "I” statement to tell others how we feel and what we want. If a teaser says, "Where’d you get that big nose?" the response can be "I want you to stop bugging me," or "I want you to cut it out!"

Mighty Might

The ‘Mighty Might’ is rolling with the punches by seeming to conditionally agree with the bully, using phrases like "You might be right”, "that could be so," "maybe," or "possibly". If a teaser says, "Those are really dorky clothes," the response can be "you might be right," or "maybe."

Shrug

Literally shrug off the teasing. "So what," or "Who cares?" Act bored, look away, smile and say "Who cares?"

Reverse Tease

Wit and comebacks can sometimes bounce the verbal assault back into the fun zone. Wit shows a resilience and assertiveness that will repel bullies. It needs care though, and never use it with dangerous bullies. If a teaser says "You walk like an ape," the response can be "Thanks for being so kind," “ Yeah, I’ve been working on it.” Cooper even suggests retaliating using insulting wit… I have my reservations about that!

Disappearing Act

The Disappearing Act is used when teasing looks like it could get dangerous. Children need to learn to quickly get up and leave the scene, without saying anything, and go to where there are some responsible adults around.

Finally, not all bullying situations are tolerable or fixable. In the same way that you, as an adult, would eventually throw in a job if the work environment was awful, your children should not have to endure unrelenting teasing and bullying. They only get one crack at childhood, and it shouldn’t be blighted by years of misery. Change schools, change towns if necessary. After trying everything else, save this is as an option of last resort.

If your child does talk to you about some bullying issue at school, take time to sit down and discuss it with them.

Ask them if they can deal with it themselves or give them some ideas about how they can deal with it.

WITS an acronym for a series of steps children can take to help them deal with bullies.

W is for Walk Away
I is for Ignore
T is for Talk to the person
S is for Seek help