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Creating a 'Together Time' with you and your child...

And the power of adult commentary.
Jenny Hale

• “You got it.” “Nice throw.” “Twice in a row!”
• “Wow, you’re stacking the blocks up high.”
• “You are lining up all the cars in a row.”
• “The ingredients are all mixed together now.”

Lots of parents work hard to develop well behaved children, but as I have worked with parents over the last ten years I’ve seen many parents overlook one major area.

These parents have a list of consequences to deter naughty or inappropriate behaviour. They should work, and might work in other families, but these parents get exhausted and bewildered because the strategies just don’t seem to work with their kids. Reasoning, time out, withdrawal of privileges, lengthy talks and lectures, writing letters of apology, extra jobs, no outings etc. – they try all the techniques and they are all found wanting.

The good news is that there is a strategy that is almost miraculous in its ability to turn around unwanted behaviour and this was highlighted for me again at a recent Barnardos Parenting Course. The reason why children often misbehave lies with how a child feels about themselves. ‘A child who feels right acts right’. Instead of putting the pressure on with more punishments and consequences, we need to address how the child is feeling. When we are always correcting, lecturing and teaching them, it is hard for a child to feel loveable. When we willingly spend focused time with one child, showing interest and attention to what they are doing, we are telling a child that we love them and enjoy their company. As a child begins to feel loveable, their need for attention for the wrong reasons diminishes and much of the problem behaviour goes away. John Cooper writes about this strategy in his new book called ‘Childs play’.

“Together time”

The strength of this strategy is that it is not associated with any reward. It is an unconditional gift of our love and time and a child will be both amazed and delighted that it is given undeservedly

Gather some energy and space to set up special times with the child you want to focus on. These sessions of ‘Together Time’ are to develop the relationship and enjoy each other. The technique is not as easy as it might first appear.

This checklist will guide you through the ‘how-to’s of Together Time:

• Find a suitable time when you can devote fifteen minutes to your child each day, or three or four times a week.
• When it is time, say to your child, “It’s now our special time to play together. What would you like to do?”
• Relax and enjoy what your child is doing.
• Simply observe and narrate what your child is doing. Describe out loud the activity. State the obvious – say what you see, just like a commentator would.
• Keep the sentences brief.
• Don’t ask questions, give commands or try to teach your child anything!
• Occasionally give positive feedback.
• If your child misbehaves, simply turn away. If the behaviour continues, tell your child that the play time is over and leave the room. Tell your child that you will play with him later if he can behave nicely.

There are lots of activities you can you do with your children in this special together time. Go over this list with your child and let them choose what they would like for each session.

• Cards
• Snakes and ladders
• Playstation
• Computer
• Back scratch
• Baking biscuits
• Making pikelets
• Chasing or tag
• Hide and Seek
• Puzzles
• Painting
• Play dough
• Dressing up
• Puppets
• Play acting
• Watching them ride their bike or trampoline
• Going for a walk
• Board game
• Where’s Wally?
• Making a scrapbook
• Train set
• Craft work
• Toy cars
• Blocks or Kennex
• Farm set
• Marbles
• Lego
• Knucklebones
• Skipping
• Hop Scotch
• Climbing Trees
• Making a Hut
• Woodwork
• Dressing dolls
• Going to swings and slides
• Swimming
• Looking at photos
• Helping to make dinner
• I spy with my little eye
• Jigsaws
• Picking flowers
• Paper boats in the bath
• Paper folding
• Making Christmas/birthday decorations

As you narrate what they are up to, keep in mind how it will sound. Your tone should be warm and friendly and your words framed a bit like this;

• “You got it.” “Nice throw.” “Twice in a row!”
• “Wow, you’re stacking the blocks up high.”
• “You are lining up all the cars in a row.”
• “The ingredients are all mixed together now.”

Key thought

There is the temptation to use this time as a reward for good behaviour. However, the strength of this strategy is that it is not associated with any reward. It is an unconditional gift of our love and time and a child will be both amazed and delighted that it is given undeservedly.